Things that are worse than Parkinson’s, the short list (NSFW): 


A shark attack where you lose at least two appendages.

Seventeen consecutive blows to the head with a medicine ball held by The Rock… intermittently and without warning.

Kissing Bill O’Reilly and getting one of his infamous oozing sores no prescription cream can ever heal.  

Barfing indefinitely (see above).

Drowning repeatedly in water occupied by these lovely creatures: piranhas

Getting texts from your ex telling you how much you suck and why you should probably die, disguised as “helpful suggestions”... in her therapist’s language.


Congratulations on your new diet of weak coffee, squirming maggots, overcooked pasta and spoiled cheese!


A baptism by Jim Jones, followed by some refreshing kool-aid.

Screams of agony, on a loop.

Showering with Rush Limbaugh while he sings Teaches of Peaches and the only way out of that bathroom is to do you-know-what with that you-know-what in his you-know-what.

Being nailed to a cross. Also see: persecution and mob mentality.

Stumbling to your computer at 5 AM to see that the entire world has been annihilated and you are the only human being left, before coffee.

This is the scene at your home: The Shining

Waking up in a bathtub filled with wolf spiders crawling into your nose and mouth but being unable to move. 

Public beheadings. 

Private beheadings. 

Beheadings in general. 

Your Birthday takes a rapid turn for the worse, when you die from eating cake made by Putin’s favorite baker.  

Knife-play with these guys: Mr. Blonde, Mr. White and Mr. Pink


Have a nice week everyone!